#NotAllMen, But #YesAll Women (#MeToo)

In the weeks since the allegations against filmmaker Harvey Weinstein sparked the #MeToo Movement, more allegations of sexual abuse have come out, both in and outside of Hollywood.

I never felt comfortable posting the hashtag.  I've been lucky in that I've only experienced the mildest of street harassment, and I felt like I would be taking away from survivors' accounts of "real" abuse. But the more I saw countless friends and family post the hashtag, some expressing the same sentiments as mine, the more I saw just how prevalent harassment and abuse against women are, and that ALL experiences of it, from the most mild to the most heinous, are part of the same toxic system.

#MeToo also had me reflecting on experiences that I had just dismissed as "normal" before. The two that stand out to me were both incidents of being hit on by drunk men. One was on a train on the way back from NYC. I had walked through several jam-packed cars to FINALLY find an open seat...and when the man sitting next to me started talking to me, I discovered why that seat had remained open. The second was when a friend and I went to see her cousin's band perform outside of Ocean City. Both times I felt uncomfortable, but also mildly amused and even a bit flattered...because well, when you have low self-esteem you take any attention you get.

But though I brushed it aside, both times I was obviously uncomfortable enough to attract the notice of other people, and I am grateful for those people, both men and women, for checking to see if I was okay.

Unwanted attention is just that, unwanted. Harassment is not flattering. And while these experiences are obviously MUCH milder than the allegations of assault that have come to light recently, they shouldn't be normalized. I shouldn't have to live in a world in which this is just par for the course for "yes, all women" or one in which I have to adjust my behavior to "protect myself" enough to merely operate in this world.

As stated above, I am grateful for the people who have the decency and courage to speak up when they witness ANY level of harassment. And I am grateful to have many wonderful men in my life who treat women with basic human dignity. Men aren't the problem. The patriarchy is. And as the allegations against Kevin Spacey have shown, not only women are victims. "Patriarchy" is more about the powerful exploiting and abusing the less powerful...who yes, often are women, but not always.

And it's not just a Hollywood problem; this abuse is prevalent in all industries. As former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson said recently on The Daily Show, it's not a liberal or a conservative problem, a Democrat or Republican issue.

But there is good in all of this coming to light. It reminds me of what a friend was saying after  Charlottesville...whether the disease is racism or misogyny and abuse, you don't treat a disease that remains dormant. Maybe now we'll finally start treating our societal sickness, not just in Hollywood, and not just in politics, but everywhere.

Trevor Noah Live

I have been a fan of Trevor Noah since he replaced Jon Stewart as the head of The Daily Show. No, Trevor is NOT Jon Stewart, but I've found him to have his own unique brand of thoughtful hilarity. And so I jumped at the chance to see him perform at the Homecoming celebration at UMBC, my alma mater. He is also doing an upcoming performance at the Hippodrome in Baltimore, but tickets started at $80, whereas tickets to the UMBC show were $35. Plus UMBC is after all my alma mater. Although I had forgotten just how uncomfortable the seats in UMBC's RAC Arena are, seeing Trevor perform live in so personal a setting was well worth it. It also gave me the opportunity to meet a current study-abroad student from England.

While Trevor's stand-up act is different from his satire of current events on The Daily Show, he did touch upon politics and current events, from the recent "once-in-a-lifetime" hurricanes (how many lifetimes are we living?!) to, yes, Donald Trump (where his refrain was Donald...J... Trump. - who IS this guy?). He also brought his unique experience as a South African to his sketch, addressing issues ranging from British vs. American English to racism.

One of Trevor Noah's gifts seems to be his ability to address the difficult topics that make us uncomfortable with humor, insight and nuance. On the topic of racism, he did just that. His "no immigrants=no spice" argument is crying out to be made into a poster. We also learned why a South America might have a different reaction to being called the N-word than an African-American. (In a South African language, the word for "to give" is pronounced similarly, so yes, "nigga" was used liberally in his sketches).

But for me, the most side-splittingly funny bit of the night was Trevor's (likely exaggerated) tale of his first time eating tacos. It began with his California surfer-friend's reaction to his confession of being a "taco virgin" (Dude, you've never had tacos? You mean to tell me you've NEVER had TACOS?!) and continued with his bewilderment over the concept being served food from a truck. The story reached a height with his shock and disgust over being offered a napkin with his tacos...you see, in South Africa a napkin is what Americans refer to as a diaper.

The entire act managed to capture the hilarity in these type of "lost in translation" experiences. These, along with accents and impressions, are also gifts of Trevor Noah's. Even if you aren't a fan of the Daily Show, the man is very funny and well worth seeing live.

RIP Aunt Mary

I finished Season 1 of The Handmaid's Tale, and I did tell myself I would blog up some thoughts after I finished. I still intend/hope to, but I'm just not in a writing mood right now.

I did want to mention that my Aunt Mary, my dad's older sister, passed away August 26. And because I'm not in a writing mood, and because it is a beautiful tribute, I will just leave this post with a poem my Uncle Tony wrote:

INCIDENTS

When I was so very young and tiny and small,

In my chair so high, a blur of faces, my own full of needing,

You carried me. “Don’t be afraid.” You broke my Fall.

Dreaming in my room, so far from yours across the ghostly hall, 

Refuge I sought in your bed’s safe haven, arresting my pleading.

When I was so very young and tiny and small.

That Halloween night, my first in so frosty a fall,

Bear’s head on a wall. Bared teeth. Distant fears would be breeding.

You carried me. “Don’t be afraid.” You broke my Fall.

High in a cherry tree, you slipped, leg ripped by the fall.

“My sister’s hurt”! Hurt! My big sister is bleeding!”

When I was so very young and tiny and small.

Years voyaged by; too many; too soon; too hard to recall.

Through a glass darkly, your Shadow dissolves and is receding.

You carried me. “Don’t be afraid.” You broke my Fall.

Sudden turn. NO! The Abyss comes to call.

“My sister’s bleeding; my big sister lies a' bleeding!”

When I was so very young and tiny and small.

You carry me still, but I could not break your Fall.

The oldest of 7 children. My aunt Mary is front, second fro left, with my dad on the far left next to her. 

Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down

So I signed up for Hulu primarily so I could watch the television adaptation of Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale. 

I'll (probably) blog more of my thoughts after I finish the series, but for now I will say that in this case I actually appreciate that they went with a television rather than film adaptation. Supposedly there was a film adaptation many years ago, but 2 1/2 hours wasn't enough time to capture all of the important plot points and details. 

I'm about halfway through Season 1...there is going to be a second season (!), but the first season is based on Atwood's novel in it's entirety, so I don't know how they are going to handle Season 2. But in as much as I've watched, it's been pretty faithful to the book. 

It's also, like its source material, pretty heavy stuff, so while I could binge it, I'd rather watch and digest one episode at a time. 

But Episode 5 is where the main character, Offred, discovers the faux-Latin phrase nolite te bastardes carborundorum written on a wall. The phrase, if it were really Latin, would translate to "Don't let the bastards grind you down." 

That phrase is also found in U2's song Acrobat, off of their album Achtung Baby. 

In googling the lyrics to Acrobat, I found several blogs appearing to belong to AP Literature students who were tasked with connecting the song to The Handmaid's Tale. When I took AP English literature, I had not yet heard Acrobat OR read The Handmaid's Tale (I only read it around 3 years ago), but this assignment would have been right up my nerdy alley! Hell, I don't need an academic excuse...although my main excuse for not blogging more is business/laziness. So I won't write my own analysis, I'll just leave the lyrics to Acrobat below as food for thought. 

*********************************************************************************

Don't believe what you hear, don't believe what you see
If you just close your eyes you can feel the enemy.
When I first met you girl, you had fire in your soul.
What happened t'your face of melting snow
Now it looks like this!
And you can swallow or you can spit
You can throw it up, or choke on it
And you can dream, so dream out loud
You know that your time is coming round
So don't let the bastards grind you down.

No, nothing makes sense, nothing seems to fit.
I know you'd hit out if you only knew who to hit.
And I'd join the movement 
If there was one I could believe in
Yeah, I'd break bread and wine 
If there was a church I could receive in.
'Cause I need it now.
To take the cup
To fill it up, to drink it slow.
I can't let you go.

And I must be an acrobat
To talk like this and act like that.
And you can dream, so dream out loud
And don't let the bastards grind you down.

What are we going to do now it's all been said?
No new ideas in the house, and every book's been read.

And I must be an acrobat
To talk like this and act like that.
And you can dream, so dream out loud
And you can find your own way out.
And you can build, and I can will
And you can call, I can't wait until
You can stash and you can seize
In dreams begin responsibilities
And I can love, and I can love
And I know that the tide is turning 'round
So don't let the bastards grind you down.

Theater Arts: August Wilson's "How I Learned What I Learned"

August Wilson may be most famous for Fences, the play that was adapted for the big-screen last year. I have yet to see Fences (the film or the play), but I got to see Wilson's autobiographical one-man show "How I Learned What I Learned" on its last day at the Round House Theater in Bethesda, Maryland. As a perk of serving as a substitute usher (my parents are regular theater ushers), I got to see the show for free, but it would have been well worth seeing for pay.

How I Learned What I Learned is basically the coming-of-age story of Wilson, who was born Frederick August Kittel Jr. in Pittsburgh in 1945. But through telling tales of his life as a young man in the poor Hill District, Wilson also tells a story about the African American struggle for justice and respect. And he does so in a funny, rather than preachy, way. Narrator Eugene Lee nails this tone, opening the show with a quip about how his ancestors had been in America since the 17th century and for years "never had trouble finding work." Toward the end of the show, he outlines a list of hypothetical sins that a bank teller had committed, including "f--king her brother-in-law," before condemning her to hell...for lying to him about not having envelopes. This was one of many scenes provoking out-loud laughter among the all-adult audience.

 What was it about the bank teller's lie that had Wilson so enraged? As he tells it, it was about "P-R-I-D-E" and "P-R-I-N-C-I-P-L-E-S." It was the same principles that led him to quit odd jobs when a shopkeeper suspected him, without evidence, of stealing, or when the man who ran the lawn mowing service he was working for told him to move to the next lawn after a woman complained. While Wilson's behavior as a young man was at times pridefully stubborn, it was the principled fight for his human dignity that ultimately shined through.

 But How I Learned What I Learned is not just about Wilson't experiences with racial discrimination. He also depicts his first kiss, early relationships and friendships with artists and musicians. He talks about his ambitions as a young poet and his discoveries of the music of John Coltrane. All of these experiences were how "[he] learned what [he] learned."

I knew very little about August Wilson before watching this show. How I Learned What I Learned conveys his young life in a way that a written autobiography can't. I am eager to watch the film version of Fences with this background on the screenplay's author.

Goodreads Book Review: Body Kindness

Body Kindness: Transform Your Health from the Inside Out—and Never Say Diet Again by Rebecca Scritchfield
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Although I read my share of non-fiction, most of my book reviews, at least the long ones I've cross-posted on my blog, have been of fiction. But I believe in Rebecca Scritchfield's message enough that I want to spread the word. Rebecca is a fellow alumna in my graduate program and an anti-diet dietician. In her first book, Body Kindness, she makes a compelling case that diets don't work in the long run, that health is a holistic construct not synonymous with weight, and that a healthy mind, body and spirit can be found through what she terms "body kindness." Her expertise is in nutrition and fitness, but the book could just as well be called "self-kindness," as it contains wisdom on how being kind and compassionate to oneself, though not easy, leads to greater well-being in every sense of the word.

First a little background on myself to put my review in context. Unlike the average woman, I have actually never been on a diet. I was thin (and at times downright "skinny") as a child and teenager, and I would get comments on how I could "get away with" behaviors that weren't the healthiest (ugh). So by the time I got to high school my lunches consisted of hot pockets on a "good" day, chips and candy on a not-so-good day. And despite having been a fairly active kid, I hated gym class and didn't do team sports, so I thought of exercise as something "others" did.

In college, dealing with depression and anxiety, I started to change some of my habits. Slowly but steadily, I found exercises that worked for me (yay endorphins) and added more fruits, vegetables, home-cooked meals, and balance to my diet. I'll be honest that meanwhile, during my mid-to-late twenties I actually gained weight. To be clear, body kindness is not a weight loss program. I have to believe, though, that I am healthier the kinder I am to my body. Rebecca's book, along with her social media postings, helps me to keep the focus on the kindness and self-care that are integral to my well-being and to avoid being distracted by the number on the scale.

Rebecca's approaches to nutrition and exercise are based on building balanced, sustainable, and, yes, enjoyable, habits. She makes a strong research-based case that most diets don't lead to long-term weight loss, and she peppers her book with stories from her clients and from her own life. Towards the end of the book, she shares a compelling, deeply personal story of an incident that led her to reject dieting; I thought she could have shared this earlier in the book as it sets the background for her current career approach. Her sharing of personal stories shows that she is willing to be vulnerable with her readers, and throughout the book she has a relatable, friendly and funny tone.

Her book is also practical - she draws upon values-identification and goal setting exercises from the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy model, and she encourages readers to keep a journal when reading the book

As I mentioned above, Body Kindness is not just about physical health. Because my own self-care journey was brought about by dealing with emotional/mental health issues, I appreciate Rebecca's holistic take on health. Following chapters on eating and fitness, she shares fascinating info on sleep and what is actually happening in our brains and bodies when we sleep. She also describes a "body kindness" approach to everything from making room for fun in our lives to emotions, sexuality, relationships and community. I especially appreciated the chapter entitled "All Feelings Matter." She argues that the so-called "negative" emotions actually serve an important purpose in our lives. It is a message shared by my favorite Pixar movie, Inside Out, and one I wholeheartedly believe but struggle to put into practice in my own life.

Because most of Rebecca's clients are women, she writes for an audience of women, although many the topics she covers are ones men might relate to as well. As a woman, I appreciate how she helps counter many of the negative messages that are so prevalent in female-geared media. However, men who are interested in her approach towards health might be put-off.

Rebecca's book may not be for everyone. Those who are dead-set on weight loss or attracted to the structure a formal diet provides may not appreciate its messages. But for those who are tired of yo-yo dieting or looking for an approach to health and self-care that's not weight-focused, Body Kindness is a breezy read that is nevertheless filled with both practical applications and ample food for thought (pun intended).

View all my reviews

Superbowl 51: Ads Meet Politics

Super Bowl 51 was quite a game. I was not expecting that Patriots turnaround, although my dad, a die-hard Buffalo Bills fan and those an ardent hater of the Pats, was.


Yes, the football actually managed to capture my interest. But as usual, I watched primarily for the commercials and halftime show. And given our divided national climate, it was not surprising that we couldn't escape politics for a few hours.


It was a bit frustrating that ads that I viewed more as storytelling (Budweiser) became so politicized that people called for boycotts. As people have pointed out, most Super Bowl commercials are conceived of months before they air. While it's natural for advertisers to want to engage with social issues, they are not necessarily making overt political statements by emphasizing diversity, a nation built by immigrants, or any other human issue that has become hot-buttoned.


Even an ad whose full version was banned for being too political was really focused on telling a poignant and symbolic human story:

 

The full 84 Lumber commercial,
featuring a border wall with a door

I won't lie, one of the most overtly political ads, the It's a Ten Haircare commercial that braced Americans for "at least 4 years of awful hair," made me chuckle.

I must have been taking a bathroom break, because I totally missed Audi's ad addressing equal pay for women. Thank God for Youtube!

Most of the vehicle ads took a similarly inspirational, if less political, tone, often throwing humor and/or celebrity cameos into the mix. There were a good crop here, including the always-funny Melissa McCarthy in a Kia Nira ad, Buick's spot with Cam Newton, and, probably my favorite, Honda's ad featuring yearbook photos of celebrities ranging from Steve Carrell to Viola Davis.

I missed the Clydesdales, but at least Super Bowl 51 had a kangaroo and the ghost of bull terrier Spuds McKenzie. The Yellow Tail ad featuring said kangaroo was bizarre and not very well received, but I'll admit I found it refreshing to see an ad for a wine brand in the huge sea of Anheuser-Busch.

Why I'm Marching January 21

While I've long held deep convictions regarding social justice, I've also thought of myself as someone who just doesn't have an "activist" personality. Throughout the bitter and divisive campaign season I had been conflicted between wanting to stand up for my values and wanting to keep quiet because of my hatred of conflict, my deep desire for approval and my discomfort with "rocking the boat." But when my mom mentioned wanting to go to the Women's March on Washington the day after soon-to-be President Trump's inauguration, I decided that I had to go with her (I had already been contemplating it). And because I've seen so much misinformation and so much maligning of protesters, I also decided I had to do my best to articulate why I and others are marching.

It's not to perpetuate division.

It's not because we are "snowflakes" who can't accept the results of a legitimate election.

It is in fact an act of courage, because for me the far easier thing would be to sit down and shut up.

It is in fact a way of us living out democracy and the rights enshrined in our Constitution and making sure our elected officials, all of them, hear our voices.


It seems that these are themes that many (NOT all) right-leaning folks have gone back to in criticism of protests/activism going back to the Occupy Wall Street Movement, through Black Lives Matter protests and protests of the Dakota pipeline to the Trump protests. And I can't speak for all protests or protesters, but I can say the Women's March isn't even primarily about Trump. It's not about mindless opposition of elected authority; it's about saying that although this man was elected in a democratic election, we don't support his values or agenda...but more so, it is about showing what we do stand for.

It's not just about women's rights either, but about human rights. Here is what the organizers of the March themselves say about why they are marching:


The rhetoric of the past election cycle has insulted, demonized, and threatened many of us - immigrants of all statuses, Muslims and those of diverse religious faiths, people who identify as LGBTQIA, Native people, Black and Brown people, people with disabilities, survivors of sexual assault - and our communities are hurting and scared. We are confronted with the question of how to move forward in the face of national and international concern and fear.

Yes, Trump isn't president yet, but again, this is about more than Trump. It is about empowering those who are hurting and scared in the wake of the election, and about holding elected officials accountable for their words and promises. It's not about refusing to give Trump a chance, but about reminding him that he is soon to be the leader of America with a duty to serve ALL Americans.


I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I'm not going to call those who disagree bigoted or stupid. But I do ask those who are serious about unity to listen and to likewise refrain from labeling, judging and name-calling (see snowflake).


As for me, I'm taking my example from Rosa Parks (not that I'm comparing myself to her in terms of impact!). She has been described with words ranging from "quiet" and "shy" to "introverted," "reserved" or "unassuming." But she didn't let that stop her from standing against injustice. So I'm done with the excuse of "not having an activist personality." This is something I stand for, and I'm done shying away from that.