I thought now would be a perfect time to go back to this blog that I never write in, because I sense I am living in historical times right now that demand a record. But not happy historic times.
No, it's now been a few days (not sure exactly how many) since the World Health Organization declared the new coronavirus, also known as COVID-19, a global pandemic. During that time, as the virus spread from China across the globe including into nearly every state in the US, people stockpiled hand sanitizer (ok, I get it) and toilet paper (why??), governments everywhere encouraged hand washing and "social distancing," and sports leagues, restaurants, schools, and more shut down.
It's been an emotional roller coaster of a few weeks for me. Oh, and I started a new job on March 2 as well.
So I feel like I need somewhere I can express my honest emotions, not the emotions I feel I'm "supposed to" have at this time. This blog feels like a safe place to do that, since it doesn't get much readership.
So back to that emotional roller coaster...I've felt pretty much every emotion one can feel over the past couple of weeks: anxiety, fear, frustration, disappointment, "selfish anger" as John Oliver put it...and maybe some anger that is less selfish as well. I dunno. Oh, right, there's the guilt. That's been a dominant emotion for me behind all the other emotions.
It's caused me to realize how much a sense of guilt is wrapped up in my normal, garden-variety generalized anxiety. Guilt that my feelings are "bad" and "wrong," that I'm selfish or childish or petty. And then now there's also the guilt that I may harm people without even realizing it.
This for me has been compounded by the news media's coverage of the coronavirus as much as the anxiety/fear/panic. That's what's unique about this damn virus, that a sizable number of people get it and spread it while having symptoms no more severe that those of a cold. And yeah, though I've told few people, I haven't been feeling altogether well for this past week and a half. Thankfully no one in my household or at work (seems to be) sick. But who knew what anxiety having a cold in the time of coronavirus could cause?
And then the other emotion I forgot to mention, which is also wrapped up with all the others, is confusion. I understand a lot from reading probably too much news on this virus. I understand that social distancing is needed to "flatten the curve" and not overwhelm our healthcare system. But what exactly does social distancing entail? It changes every day. First it was no large group gatherings, which went from like 500 people to 250 to 50 to like 10! I'll do what the CDC and local governments recommend to keep this damn virus from spreading out of control. But then there are times when I wonder if we are going too far, and then I feel guilty about THAT. Like...why are the libraries closed to patrons who want to check out books/DVDs/whatever chosen materials? Are self-checkouts and extra hand sanitizer not enough?
I of course am concerned less for me and more for the more vulnerable in our society (my dad is 81). But I'm also just looking forward to all of this being over and life returning to normal. Because coronavirus is a bitch in all kinds of ways, including how it's disrupting our economy and just our daily life. And if that's "selfish anger," well, that's what I got right now.
